More game-changing

Running a little late, so let me catch y'all up to speed.

First, I want to point your undivided attention to two things. I guess that would make the attention divided, so, to remain in a unified spirit, I suggest you attend to one item at a time. Leading off is the story how pilots and pols are calling for an investigation on our government's knowledge on UFOs. Second are the sounds of joy coming from the planet Saturn. Somewhere (probably on the ringed gassy giant), Sun Ra smiles. But I digress.

I'm going to respond to some comments from the massively popular recent post I did. People, we are going to 55 Cancri by 2010 – but only if Dennis Kucinich – only candidate to have had a UFO encounter – becomes president. A number of factors are in play here, but let's first focus on the candidates fact-fudging about his alleged experience.

Now, I understand that politicians pander to folks – telling them what they want to hear – like how Iraq attacked us on 9/11, that Dems in Congress are brave and that Dick Cheney is not a SkyNET project gone awry. White lies, like white surpremists, just make Americans feel warm and fuzzy, like standing next to a burning cross in a 400 thread count sheet. But Kucinich is lying for the best of reasons: to get elected in order to save us from fucking doom. Kucinich claims his encounter was in Washington state, but the cosmic truth is that that meeting was followed by another pow-wow on Enceladus, a moon orbiting Saturn.

Shocking, I know, but after much meditation, four Bell's Java Stouts and a doobie, I came to the conclusion that Dennis Kucinich has a wormhole in his brain that connects him to the aformentioned Saturian moon of import; the House on the Rock; 55 Cancri; and Berlin, Ohio. Kucinich used his chance (or not?) run-in to schedule the second meeting, in which he made a deal with the aliens to a) provide us with warp technology and b) secure a wife in exchange for long-term organ harvesting on Fox News anchors, starting with Sean Hannity's chin. He famously got the wife, complete with the even-more notorious tongue-ring, which serves as an insta-comm device between Dennis and the aliens (I'm not yet sure from where they come. Watch this space).

The warp technology will, of course, be used to add a warp drive to the world's largest Amish buggy: The wormhole in Dennis' brain can only transport so many people at one time, and to get everyone off world and safely onto the potentially habitable planet in 55 Cancri, he's gonna need help. But the man has a plan.

Despite the Amish's general disdain for technology, there has thus far been no outcry against the proposed warp drive.

Anyway, let's rally and propel Dennis Kucinich into the White House – and humanity to safety.

This changes the game

Not only have scientists found a new solar system, but it may have an inhabitable planet or moon. I've made my concerns about earth's imminent annihilation in the murderous maw of a supermassive blackhole known, and I think that the discovery of a planet in the habitable zone points us in the right direction: Our future is 55 Cancri.

What the candidates aren't talking about

As you may know, the ancient Mayans drew up an incredibly accurate calendar that runs out at 11:11 pm, Friday, Dec. 21, 2012. At that point, the sun will be aligned with the center of our galaxy for the first time in roughly 26,000 years. While some contend the Mayans simply lost interest in making calendars, many believe this date marks the beginning of the apocalypse, though no one is sure exactly how. Theories about earth's magnetic poles shifting, hyper-viruses, megatsunamis, ice ages and other global catastrophes abound. Personally, I am pulling for our solar system to get sucked into the giant black hole that resides at the center of our galaxy.

Now, as you can tell, December 2012, conveniently falls just after the next presidential election, so whoever wins the big prize next year potentially will have the end of the world on his or her watch. But do we hear the candidates talking about it? Of course not.

Let's face it: We live in a frantic, day-by-day, minute-by-minute world. 2012 is more than five years away – and that's a lifetime for politicians and people born in Darfur or Detroit. So, naturally, planning for impending cosmic doom is nowhere near the to-do lists of pols and the main stream media, as last night's Democratic Halloween Ball (the candidates dressed as vertebrates) proved. (Don't let the alien encounter red herring fool you, either: Lib-loving Tim Russert knows Rudy Giuliani has the interstellar warfare hawk vote locked up tighter than a cross-dresser's jewelry box, but his softball round of good cop vs. bad cop between Dennis Kucinich and Barrack Obama won't pull any Anakins over to the dark side.)

But 2012 is coming. That's a fact, but since it falls after the next election, what's to gain by talking about it? Whoever wins will be either on his or her way out or safely entrenched after being reelected, so it's a non-starter that – like so many other important issues (like esperanto and eagles) – gets swept under the rug. It's timing, really. Bad timing, and for this, I blame the Mayans, who obviously hoped to slide their apocalypse-agenda stone-dagger of pre-colonial revenge through our ribs without us noticing. Unfortunately for us, it's working.