Making lemonade out of lead

When the final histories of man are written, the authors undoubtedly will snicker at our nation's rabid, unhinged fear of lead. This simple and essential metal has become the boogieman du jour, as the United States continues to ignore real issues, such as the upcoming end of life as we know it (see related post, below). So, as Rome burns (or sits five years away from the event horizon of a supermassive black hole), we don't grab the pails and start a line; no, we panic. We panic about toys.

Ignoring the old addage that if it's a toy it can't be bad, some of our "leaders" have decided that bucking the free market is the answer with recall after hysteric recall. But their so-called solutions miss the mark on many levels – most notably in the role lead can play in the fast-approaching superhuman arms race. See, lead is the long-lost Super-Soldier serum. By fortifying our childrens' bodies with lead, we are making a generation of supermen and women: heavy metal warriors, who will soundly thump the marauding hordes of nanobot-enhanced Red Chinese repo-men sure to come.

Now, some decry theories that lead exposure can affect thought processes and personality. All the better: What's better than super-powered soldiers? Super-powered soldiers with hyper-violent tendencies and hair-trigger tempers, that's what. Booyah!

But, in all seriousness, when you get to the nutcutter of the whole thing, the nation suffers most when businesses are forced to accept any responsibility for their actions. The White House and the CPSC Chairwoman Nancy Nord are courageously toeing the line, but the nation's resolve is shaky and the siren song of regulation is wailing across the land of the free.

So, as a public service, I am responding with a song of my own. Well, not exactly one of my own, but this little ditty laid down by the stone cold Milton Friedman Choir is sure to put the lead back into the pencils of patriotic capatilists everywhere, even in China.